The Chatterbox vs. Vulnerability

Do you appreciate deep thoughts? Thoughts that originate down in the soul and become alive after reading, discussing, or even witnessing something that can only resonate deep within. These soulful insights create enthusiasm within me. After gaining new insights, I often like to share them with others, if the chance arises. Occasionally, I hear an old familiar voice telling me that it’s a little too risky to share my eagerness for fear of being misunderstood or judged. Do you sometimes hear a chattery voice too that warns you that showing up authentically might lead to disaster? The inspiration for this blog post came from Crash the Chatterbox (Furtick, 2014).  Furtick’s naming of internal negative thought patterns as a "chatterbox” helps us find some humor as we become aware of self-deprecating talk. 

Sometimes the “chatterbox” inside us creates barriers that keep us from allowing ourselves to truly be vulnerable with others. The chatter sounds a lot like the part of ourselves that wants to protect us at all costs. The protection sounds like a running dialogue in our head that might sound something like this:

  • “If you share something that is heartfelt you might get embarrassed, ignored, or rejected.”

  • “Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself will keep you emotionally safe so the less you share, the safer you’ll be.”

  • “What if my impressions, thoughts, and emotions overwhelm the other person/people?”

Regardless of what the conversation in your head sounds like, there is usually an undercurrent of fear that drives the script. The chatter may be mild and show up with less frequency or it can be more prevalent and lead to feelings of disapproval and judgment toward one’s self. Self-condemnation is what we are really talking about and it causes us to feel that we need to censure ourselves. “Condemnation is pervasive. It is not satisfied to wreck one room in your life; it wants to cut the gas line, light a match, and watch the whole thing burn” (Furtick, 2014, p. 138). When we experience strong disapproval whether from ourselves or others, we usually feel the need to hide or run away. This is exactly the opposite of vulnerability. 

Dr. Brené Brown (2012,  p. 34) defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” The “chatterbox” tells us that vulnerability will expose our inadequacies and embarrassment will soon follow. Here lies the conflict many of us experience internally with the desire to be known at a core level, but the fear that comes with the risk of showing up as our authentic selves can hold us hostage.

So how do we move beyond the anxiety and fear the “chatterbox” inflicts on us in moments where we yearn to share our bona fide selves?  The first step is to recognize the chatter exists. For many of us, this core pattern of negative self-talk has been going on for so long that we do not realize the unhelpful discourse that is taking place. The second step is to call it what it is. You might label it the “chatterbox” or another name that represents the obstacle to fully embracing ourselves and allowing our authenticity to come out of hiding. Remember, the “chatterbox” is trying to protect us the only way it knows how, but it does not move us toward growth. The third step involves testing the validity of the dialogue.  Is there some truth in the chatter that you hear or is the message always the same regardless of the situation? The fourth step is about making peace with the “chatterbox.”  This is achieved by countering the negative dialogue with positive statements. The key is not to replace the negative statements, but to counter them with positive ones. The chatter may sound something like “If I say how I really feel, people will judge me.”  By countering the negative statement we could follow it up with an additional statement of “And I have the right to my feelings and others have the right to agree or disagree with me, but nevertheless, it’s important for this person to know my feelings about this issue.” Countering negative thoughts helps us balance our emotional thinking with our rational thinking. The last step involves taking time to evaluate how these steps are working for us.  This assessment helps us gain greater insights about ourselves and our needs. 

If you struggle with an active “chatterbox,” you are not alone. It is my hope that the steps outlined above will help you become aware and assist you in managing your internal negative dialogue and lead to a more balanced sense of self.

Amy

(865) 670-0988

amycofercounseling.com


References

Brown Brené. (2015). Daring greatly: how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we

      live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Avery.

Furtick, S. (2014). Crash the chatterbox: hearing Gods voice above all others. CO Springs, CO:

     Multnomah Books.

Amy Shorter