Signs You Might Be Struggling With Anxious Attachment
A common issue clients struggle with when they seek counseling is linked to their attachment style. When we think of attachment, we often reflect on a child’s experience being away from his primary caregivers. But what about adult relationships and what’s it like for a male or female to experience anxious attachment with friends, family members, or a spouse? Although bonding does begin at the earliest point of life, the residual effects show up greatly in adulthood. If we experience attunement (our emotional needs accurately responded to) by those of great influence early in life, we will then develop a secure attachment style.
What does insecure attachment look like in adult relationships? Someone who is not securely attached might have the desire to deeply connect with another person but also be sensitive to rejection. As a result, when we experience this heightened fear, we may withdraw or seek reassurance from the other person. There is an absence of confidence and contentment in knowing that we are genuinely valued.
Some insecure behaviors we might exhibit include:
*An intense focus on the state of the relationship
*Vigilantly searching for cues that the other person might be losing interest as a friend, spouse, etc.
*Asking for reassurance
*Worry that the other person will not respond to our needs
*Preemptively pursuing out of fear instead of experiencing the give-and-take of reciprocal relationships
If you resonate with the feelings and thoughts of an insecure attachment style, you are not alone! This type of bonding is common and please know there is hope and healing.
How do we begin to change our attachment style to a more secure one? Dr. Henry Cloud in his book Changes That Heal identifies several steps we can choose that will shift us toward more fulfilling relationships. Below are three of several steps that are included in his book.
*Recognize the need for closeness is how we are created. God created us for relationship with Him, ourselves, others, and the world.
*Be vulnerable and move toward others who have a track record of being safe. Be willing to ask for support and talk about our suffering and loneliness with people who accept and love us rather than criticize or want fix us.
*Challenge distorted relational thought patterns. Extend grace to ourselves and identify what’s true. Don’t allow the emotional part of our brain to outwork the reasonable, rational part.
Lancer, 2016 points out that people with insecure attachment style often bond quickly but do not take the time to evaluate if the other person can legitimately meet their needs. As a result, needs go unexpressed and we are often drawn to people who are unavailable or avoidant. Lancer further suggests that when involved with an avoidant person, we misread their withdrawal as a cue to try harder and pursue them more. In reality, this continues the anxious cycle.
Insecure attachment causes the creation of defense mechanisms for the purpose of protecting ourselves. It’s important to have compassion for our protectors as they are working on our behalf. However the healing comes through making the protectors no longer necessary. As Dr. John Townsend writes in his book Hiding From Love, “We accomplish that goal by meeting the need that the defense is protecting. The more we repair ourselves as image-bearers, the less concealment we need.” (Townsend, 1996, p. 276).
If you need support from a therapist to help guide you through this process of growth and healing, I encourage you to find one. Often, the therapeutic relationship between the counselor and client provides a safe place to start building a new secure relational pattern.
Until Next Time,
Amy
865-670-0988
Cloud, H. (1992) Changes that heal: Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan
Lancer, D. (2016, May 17). How to change your attachment style. PsychCentral.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style#1
Townsend, J. S. (1991). Hiding from love: How to change the withdrawal patterns that isolate
and imprison you. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan