Character Growth That Leads To Transformation
You know the saying from Albert Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.” This rings true for many of us, but why, and how do we facilitate change in our lives? In this post I’ll be exploring the spiritual origins of why we resist change, and I’ll discuss some reasons why we fail to initiate character development. Most importantly, I’ll share with you four segments of our character that when accessed and developed, will lead to tremendous transformation and healing. Information about the four areas of character I have included is derived from Dr. Henry Cloud’s book "Changes That Heal.”
So, why is it so hard for us to change? The Bible provides us with the answer to this question in the third chapter of the book of Genesis. This is where we find the Fall of Man when Adam and Eve lost their innocence and when brokenness entered the world. I believe we still live with the deep desire for our lives to be perfect, much like living in Eden. However, we are broken people living in a broken world. I also believe that through faith in Christ and the manifestation of the Holy Spirit within us, we are justified and assured of eternal life. Sanctification (the process of being made more holy) is a lifetime journey. Justification is a gift that we receive but the sanctification process incorporates our will as well as Christ living in us. God created us with free will, so, our free will has to come into agreement with Him in order for us to grow and transform.
Now that we’ve established why we find change difficult, lets begin to discuss how our free will gets in the way, and inhibits movement toward growth. The most common reason we fail to grow in character is due to a lack of awareness. We often live in “auto pilot” mode because it’s familiar. Or, we may think the way we are living and showing up in the world is just fine. Maybe we are not aware, that although we’re ok with ourselves, others are not, and we need to consider how we affect other people. The questions is, “Are we contributing to the betterment of the world through working on our deficiencies, or, are we obliviously doing what we’ve always done and resisting transformation?”
As I mentioned earlier, there are four common areas of growth that we need to address. These areas are attachment to others, differentiation from others, integrating our strengths and weakness within ourselves and others, and becoming mature. Let’s take a look at each of these in more depth.
Attachment is vital to relationship and is formed through interactions with our primary caregivers early in life. Our attachment experiences will develop as secure, insecure, or avoidant based on how our needs are met when we were young. We either learn to securely attach to others or not. These early attachment experiences follow us as we become adults. If we do not feel comfortable expressing our needs and trust that our relational needs will be met, we will not securely bond as adults. As a result, some of us may fear vulnerability and either deny that we have emotional needs, or try to care for those needs ourselves. We withhold out of fear and we are not truly known by others.
Growth Tip: If your attachment style is not secure, identify the areas where you struggle with relational engagement, and begin to work through your fears with a trusted friend who is secure in their attachments. Counselors are a great resource to help us navigate healing our attachment wounds.
Differentiating from others is also an important character quality. The opposite of differentiation is enmeshment and this basically means that we are unable to separate our emotional experiences from those around us. We then lack a sense of independence and may find ourselves overly involved in the lives of others. If we do not recognize where we end and where others begin, we are not engaging in a relationally healthy way.
Growth Tip: Reflect on the areas where you struggle to maintain emotional independence . Once you identify these areas, establish healthy boundaries with yourself and others. Boundaries help us define who we are and what we are responsible for.
Integrating our strengths and weaknesses, or the good and bad parts of ourselves and others, focuses on grace and truth. (Cloud, 2003). We need to know the truth about ourselves and we need to be able to receive grace for our sinful parts. We are not perfect and we will fail. How we assimilate our mistakes and failures is the work of integration. If we are unable to accommodate our negative parts, we will either live in denial, beat ourselves up, or get stuck in a hopeless/helpless state. If however, we can be truthful with ourselves, we open the door for self-compassion, and a desire to grow and become more of who God created us to be.
Growth Tip: Take an honest inventory of our strengths and areas of weakness. Avoid trying to deny our bad parts or only focus on the good ones. Show compassion to ourselves and learn to have grace for our inadequacies.
Maturity in adulthood means that we are on equal footing with other adults, we don’t try to hold power over others, or allow others to hold power over us. Instead, we make our own decisions, take responsibility for ourselves, form our own opinions, and disagree with others without fear. Additionally, we can embrace our skills and talents and use them to positively impact the world (Cloud, 2003). If we seek assurance from others or allow influence from others to take precedence over our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, we are not living as adults.
Growth Tip: Remember that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings, and your behavior will flow from the two. Be flexible and willing to listen to others and seek wise counsel when needed. Be courageous enough to make the best decision you can with the information you have, and risk making a mistake. We often learn more from our mistakes than we do our successes.
Transformation happens when we attend to the four areas of character development. Remember, this is also known as the sanctification process, and asking the Lord to search our hearts and show us where we can grow is key. Allow the Holy Spirit to direct us and guide us through the transformational process. Lastly, be willing to help others who are desiring character development. Share what you’ve learned and inspire and support others to embrace change, so they no longer continue doing the same things over and over expecting different results. For more information on this topic, check out the book Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Until next time,
Amy
865-670-0988
Cloud, H., & Cloud, H. (2003). Changes that heal: how to understand your past to ensure a
healthier future. Grand Rapids, Mich: Zondervan Pub.