Boundary Setting 101
When we think of the word boundary, we may think of property lines that designate where our ownership of property ends, and someone else’s begins. Or, we often think of boundaries as rules to be followed that parents set for their children. In addition to the boundaries I just mentioned, we also have our own mental, emotional, physical/sexual, spiritual boundaries, and boundaries with our time and material possessions. Having clear boundaries with oneself and being able to effectively communicate those to others, is an important part of healthy living. Knowing our boundaries helps us identify our limits and share those with others when necessary. Some of us may not even be aware of the need for boundaries in our lives. Others may feel the negative effects of the absence of boundaries, but lack the knowledge of how to set healthy limits with ourselves and others. If you struggle with indecision, find yourself saying “yes” when you really would like to say “no,” or feel resentful and taken advantage of, this post is for you.
Types of Boundaries
Let’s start with defining emotional boundaries. This type of boundary is one of the most overlooked and least fostered in our society. We all have heard people say “Suck it up!” “Don’t feel that way.” “Look at the bright side.” These statements along with others like them, invalidate the right to our emotions. We have the liberty to feel the way we do, without needing permission from another person. Parenting that includes allowing kids to feel their emotions, and verbalize how they feel, without minimizing or dismissing the child’s emotions, fosters healthy emotional boundaries in children. In addition, discerning who is safe to share your emotions with, and who is not, is another aspect of emotional boundaries. Emotionally safe people are those we can trust to listen to us, respect our feelings, and not belittle, manipulate, or betray us with the information we have shared with them. Here are some signs that emotional boundaries are lacking: feeling the need to justify our emotions to others, feeling frustrated when others tell us we should not feel the way we do, assuming we know what another person is feeling, or when we unload our emotions on others without asking permission.
Intellectual Boundaries include our thoughts, ideas, and opinions. Even though we may not always agree with the opinions of others, being able to show respect, and listen without needing to interject our own differing ideas, communicates appreciation for the other person. If another person is devaluing our opinions or ideas, we can internally remind ourselves that we have the right to these boundaries, and can then verbalize it to the other person if necessary. Additionally, we have the right to determine the types of conversations we engage in, and those we deem to be outside the realm of our comfort zone.
Spiritual Boundaries involve our sacred beliefs and how we practice those convictions. These boundaries are often derived from doctrine, how we put our beliefs into practice, and they guide our behavior and attitudes toward life. Spiritual boundaries include spiritual practices and worship styles.
Physical boundaries include personal space, how we engage with others in reference to touch (handshakes, hugs, sexual touch, etc.), decisions about where we allow ourselves to be present, and environments we deem unhealthy. Having the ability to discern our physical boundaries helps lower our risk of physical harm.
Many of us struggle in setting limits with our time. Our fast paced world often leaves us wishing we had more hours in the day. We struggle to fit in all we need or want to do, and fight burn-out. Prioritizing our responsibilities, and realistically organizing our day, can be helpful to defend against exhaustion.
Material boundaries are associated with how we share our resources such as money, and items of monetary or sentimental value. Would we allow a person we barely know to borrow our car? Would we lend money to a friend? Knowing where our limits are with our possessions, keeps us from overextending our resources and protects our valuables.
Boundary Styles
Another important aspect related to the topic of boundaries is the identification of our boundary style. There are three main types of styles which include rigid, permeable, and flexible boundaries. We may lean toward a rigid style if we find ourselves being inflexible, and adopting the “my way or the highway” attitude. Rigid boundaries work more like impenetrable walls instead of a gate we can open and close. The permeable style is one that is spongelike, where we find ourselves easily swayed from the “no” or “yes” that we have stated. Permeable boundaries tend to be weak, and change when we are indecisive or unsure of ourselves. If the rigid style is like a strong wall, the permeable style is like a gate swinging in the wind with no latch. Lastly, healthy boundaries are ones that can be flexible. This style takes into consideration situations that require harder lines to be drawn, and those which necessitate softer ones.
How Do We Know If We Are Lacking Healthy Boundaries?
We usually experience negative thoughts, emotions, or experiences related to rigid or permeable boundaries. If we lean toward rigid ones, we may become very uncomfortable when we are not in control, or the one making decisions. Others may tell us we need to be more flexible or they may back away from us out of frustration. Additionally, we may defend, blame-shift, or manipulate those around us to get our way. Obviously this can cause relational strain and leave us exhausted. Permeable boundaries can also leave us bone-weary, but for different reasons. Struggling to maintain our limits causes us to resent others who push us to change our decisions, or conform to their mindset. If we do stand firm, we may experience false guilt about our decision. In addition, we focus more on how our response will affect the other person, than focusing on what’s best for us.
How Do We Implement Healthy Boundaries?
Self-awareness is key to identifying what works well for us, and what we need to change. If we struggle with identifying areas needing boundary growth, we can seek input from people we trust. Attuning to areas we would like to strengthen is the first step. Evaluating when we would like to be more decisive, and exploring options that leave room for flexibility, can help facilitate the change process. The second step is to assert ourselves, in situations that offer opportunities for practicing the new skills we want to implement. The third step is to get support if needed, and/or to share our growth experience with others. This helps us stay on-track, and might inspire others to grow in their boundary style.
Benefits of Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries give honor to ourselves and others. We experience self-respect and mutual respect in relationships. Boundaries also reflect our values and help us remember our rights. Healthy boundaries lead to self-control, relationship improvement, effective communication, and support self-care.
Until next time,
Amy
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